Hello :)

It’s been a minute, wordpress. I don’t think the title of my blog applies anymore. I’m thinking of starting blogging again, because as you know, life happens. I changed courses quite drastically, I must say. I’m no longer a graduate student. I graduated last October with my master’s degree and left the city I fell in love with this past April. I moved back to my home state, but to the southern part instead. I had a job for a few months but then suddenly lost it and now I’m a bit lost and confused.

I’ve been searching for employment for two weeks now, looking in the biotech sector to do research and development but also in the education sector. I thoroughly enjoyed my time mentoring high school students while in graduate school, and when I tutored and taught briefly at community college. Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t go get my teaching certificate so I could teach high school students but then again, I had a passion for research and lab work, so I followed my heart for a bit. Now, I feel like I’m back at square one, unsure of where to go from here.

You see, through all this, I’ve been discovering myself. I get down on myself quite often and I must say, I see the world with a glass half empty point of view. Or I did, I should say. I have been trying my best to see this as an opportunity, a blessing in disguise. It is a chance for me to figure out what I want to do with my life and career and I’ve been chasing my hobbies lately.

I went skydiving. If you know me, you know I absolutely hate heights and free falling. I don’t actively seek out adventure and I’m more of a homebody, sit on the couch and watch a baseball game and cuddle or read a good book at a coffee shop with my dogs type of girl. The most adventurous I’ve been is going to the ball park for a baseball game on a Monday night.

I dyed my hair and got it cut short.

I started to boulder and rock climb more, everyday in fact for over a week straight.

I run more now than I have in months. I’ve also got the Chicago Marathon coming up in a few short weeks.

I’m slowly beginning to physically and mentally prepare myself for a triathalon.

I’ve fallen in love. And let myself fall in love wholeheartedly, to the point where I’ve gotten heartbroken and now am hurting and confused.

Most importantly, I’m beginning to turn my life over to God. I believe in a higher power but I never grew up religious. However, nothing in my life made sense. I didn’t understand why I was being “punished” with mental illnesses and pain and emotional distress. I didn’t understand why I never managed to kill myself despite trying at a minimum of three times. I didn’t understand why I self-harmed for 10 years and am now left with the scars as reminders. I did, however, understand it the only way I could: because I was a failure, a mistake for my parents, a problem and I needed to be punished.

Now, however, I’m starting to see a purpose to my struggles. I’ve been able to speak out about my suffering, my experiences, my pain, as a way to help my friends understand that even the best of us who seem to have it all together can suffer. I’m more outspoken about my mental health because I believe in my heart that there is a meaning behind why this happened to me and in my lifetime. I share my story because if I can save one person from taking their own life, then I have won this battle with my mental illnesses.

I’m not going to preach to the choir about finding God and believing in His greater power, because truthfully, I don’t even know Him fully. I’m just scratching the surface. However, I can say that when I went skydiving, I put my life in His hands and let him guide me to safety. And I am doing that with my life too. I’m turning over my heart to God because He is the only one that knows who is the right one my heart belongs to. He is the only one that can bring two hearts together as one and while I feel I know who I want to be with, only God can provide me with the right individual in due time. I don’t know where I’ll end up in a day, in a week, in a month. I don’t know if I’ll have a job or a roof over my head or money to keep myself alive or if I’ll have the privilege of being somebody’s girlfriend and partner, but I do know that God’s timing is right and that it will work out in the end the way it is meant to work out.

He wouldn’t give me anything I am not strong enough to handle. I may not see my strength now, but when I look back, I’ll know exactly how strong I had to be to overcome the things I have and will have to in life.

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Cell Biology Videos :)

I think I mentioned before that I have been accepted into graduate school and will be working towards a PhD in biological sciences. However, I don’t know what exact discipline I want to go into but the good thing is I am part of an umbrella program so I get to rotate in three labs and choose!

So to preview I guess what I may be studying — cell biology!

Enjoy 🙂

Save those samples!

I let out the biggest sigh of relief when I saw those three letters in that 1.5 mL eppendorf tube sitting in my box in the -20C freezer.

It has been a couple months since last posting due to the fact that a lot has been going on in my life personally and academically. I have just gotten a chance to sit down, today, with my PI to discuss the project that I am currently working on and all the results that I have gotten.

A time crunch is an understatement for the situation that my project is in. I have been working on this since February, and since the middle of March, my project has been going in circles. Finally, after somewhat conclusive NMR data and yet again unexpected SEC-MALS data, we (my PI and I) have come to the conclusion that quite possibly, something as minor as a His-tag is affecting my entire protein sample.

It would have helped to realize this sooner, but despite all the failures that I have seen in the past couple of months, it is good to know that all my experiments and tests have not been in vain. Though I am going back to step one by transforming my plasmid with my target sequence into E. coli for overexpression, at least I know that what I am about to work on will give me a shot at producing some results at the very least.

My first year at Northwestern is coming to an end and my time in lab has been nothing short of amazing. I have pushed myself to so many limits and cannot have asked for a better lab to join. The people I work with are so incredibly talented and though it often times makes me realize how little I have accomplished in my life and how much of a failure I seem compared against my fellow labmates, I use that to drive me to do what I need to do.

I am motivated and determined to be able to push my project forward. It really is satisfying to see results coming out, to be able to interpret them on your own, and then discuss with your PI in a two-way conversation regarding what the next steps are.

This year has been such a whirlwind but I can say that I am so happy and grateful for the grant that I have been given to allow me to continue my research here during the summer months.

For now, this is it. Bacteria cells await my care. Just know, saving samples is crucial when doing research! Save those samples!

“It looks beautiful”

The first thought that came to my mind when I woke the computer from its sleep state was just one thought. It looks beautiful

I never understood why some people are attracted to research, especially when dealing with molecules such as proteins and DNA that cannot be visualized by the naked eye. It looks like a bunch of liquid, really, as you are going through the various steps of purification. Not to mention, in order to get to this ‘liquid’ phase, you need to go through growing bacteria and harvesting them and getting them — the bacteria, that is — to over express your protein.

And if it doesn’t work, you need to start from step one.

There is a lot of modification that happens in lab. Tweak the concentration of compound A. Add a little more of compound B. Let it incubate longer. Did you wake up your bacteria from the -4C freezer?

Not to mention, you never really know what the proteins are doing in this ‘liquid’ as you are working with it.

But despite all these challenges and the set backs that I have faced in lab, I am still amazed at the way various biochemistry techniques, such as SEC (size exclusion chromatography) can yield such clear, definitive results. If the protein is there, it will elute at the fraction corresponding roughly to its molecular weight. If it isn’t there, or if the protein decided it wants to aggregate and clump together, then the chromatogram will show just that.

There is such a satisfaction with seeing a pure peak, a clear, indicative peak that gives insight into what the protein in this ‘liquid’ might just be doing.

Its trivial, I know. I never understood it, from the outside looking in, reading journal publications on how researchers have this moment of “ah-hah”, how they see beauty in results. Now I get it. I have seen it from the other side. It truly is beautiful when you see the results you hope for, knowing that something you have done is right.

Research Grants

Only having been in involved in biological sciences research since January of this year (when I got my own project, not counting the shadowing I did during fall quarter), the grant process was something that I dove into head first. I knew that the entire process would pose many struggles — composing something that isn’t an english paper? read through scholarly articles to gather background information? understand the entire project? produce preliminary results?

It was all over my head. There were one too many drafts that I ended up going through. At one point, my project changed, and half my grant went out the window. New background information. More sources to sift through. Learning my new samples.

It is an experience that I hope to be able to go through again in the future. I know that I have a long way to go, as I am still very much an amateur in every sense. It has only been a mere three months that I have been working intensively on my own project.

That is what summer is for. Spending time on the shores of Lake Michigan, hoping to understand how two proteins interact. Unsubstantial? Maybe. But I know that it is an honor to be granted this research grant by the university and I can’t wait to dive head first into the coming summer months.

Setbacks in the Lab

It’s been about a month now. I have had a project since the first day of the quarter, but it seems that the project which I once thought was mine no longer is. I came back from class today to find an envelope sitting at my lab desk waiting to be opened. They were my primers. Three sets of them — sense and antisense.

Though it may not seem like it, I am really disappointed in myself for the results that I have been getting. I know that it shouldn’t fall on my shoulders because I can’t control if two proteins are to interact or not. I followed protocol and that should be what matters. However, tonight, the night before my biochemistry midterm, all I could feel was frustration over my research. I started my new project today. I ended my first one today too.

This is the first time I have felt so invested in something and to see it not work? Heartbreaking.

I know this is only part of research, and that I have learned so much from this month. But still, part of me feels as if I have let my PI down and my lab down.

Your thoughts?

Back to the Grind: 2013

There are certain things that I feel as if I will never be able to wrap my head around. Nor will I ever come to fully understand the implications of many of the things that have been happening in my life recently.

Are there reasons why I am so fortunate for being able to come across this opportunity to research in a wonderful lab? What is the purpose of my deciding to push through with a quarter filled with endless hours performing lab research, understanding my project and its implications, as well as trying to keep up with very time consuming, content filled courses?

I guess this isn’t the place or time to be thinking about all of this. I can say though, that after a week back at school in 2013, I am very overwhelmed and wondering what it is I can cut out from my life in order to really, fully grasp everything this quarter has to offer, as well as push myself and do the best that I know I can do.

Overall, I am looking forward to tackling the project that I have been given by my PI. I feel like it is a great starting point for me to really come to understand how to study eukaryotic transcription at the molecular level, something that is truly fascinating and intriguing. Aside from doing basic preparations I have been reading up on the literature written about the proteins I am working on. There is so much unknown out there that it is amazing how I get to be a part of this discovery process. We may think science has offered us all the answers but to this day, there is still so much unknown, so much uncertainty that only through research and discovery will we be albe to come one step, one baby step, closer to understanding how our body works on the molecular level.

Sneakpeak from Within

Next week marks the beginning of my seventh of twelve finals weeks. It is my first time taking final exams here at Northwestern, and as I think about the looming exams and projects due, I can’t help but feel like a freshmen all over again, at UCLA, sitting there being terrified of the one (yes, one) final exam I had during my first fall quarter in college. It was my math 3B exam and I had all week to study for it since the test was on Thursday. I remember sitting in the lecture hall in Humanities (A29 or something?) and staring out in front of me, the exam sitting there waiting to be filled in. By the time I had gotten off the plane and walked around the Apple store at Valley Fair, my exam score had come in. I didn’t fare too badly.

Thinking of this, I am terrified of walking into my first final exam here at Northwestern next Monday at 9 AM. I shouldn’t be worried but yet I am. I have done this so many, many times already. What can be different about these next four exams next week?

Regardless of whatever this fear is, I wanted to share a bit from inside the lab. I snapped some photos using my phone when I had downtime during lab and thought some of these images were really cool. Hope you all enjoy them as much as I enjoyed performing the tests 🙂

Test tube racks

Test tube rack — eluting DNA

Visualized gel

Imaged protein gel

Making protein gels

Making protein gels

Running protein gels

Running a protein gel

Plating E. Coli on LB agar plates

Sterile technique

Playing with fire

Playing with fire

Plating E. Coli

Plating E. Coli

Resuspending a pellet

Resuspending a cell pellet

Research: Failures and not Measuring Up to Fellow Lab Members

For the first time in a long time, I feel like something is working out, that there is a small flicker in the light at the end of the tunnel. As with many people, we all have our own struggles and find ways to combat them. One of the struggles I have is feeling like I am making the right choices with my future and that I belong where I am at in my schooling and with research and just in general.

These past few days, as I have been spending more time in my research lab as well as reading up on various news going on around campus, I kept coming across a similar theme: these people that I am surrounded by, especially fellow undergraduate students, are so much better than me and are so much more capable than I am. This thought had been running through my head over and over — on replay — and kept me down. It didn’t help that my bacteria didn’t grow the other day or that I forgot the procedure to make an agarose gel or that the project that I am helping my mentor work on wasn’t going as planned.

Regardless, despite all these negatives, I felt like I saw a small flickering light at the end of the tunnel for me. I came to realize (even if I don’t believe it yet) that it is okay for me to not know what is going on with the research, that it is okay for me to not have all these accomplishments and accolades that my peers have because I just got involved a couple months ago. I am new to the world of research. I need to start thinking like a scientist soon. I know there isn’t ever an excuse for failing or for not being good enough or not measuring up to other people you are surrounded by but these are just my jumble of thoughts.

This isn’t my best writing by far, but I needed to really just leave it all out there and see what others have to say on this topic.

Lastly, I want to leave you all with this thought:

Isn’t it strange, however, that we are told to look for clarity in our experiences and various aspects of our lives, that we must seek understanding and clarification yet in the research that I am doing, we start with clear LB broth and overnight, it becomes clouded with unknown matter? And instead of starting from a cloudy, occluded mixture and go towards a clear solution, we start with clarity, proceed into the uncertain, and emerge, after many flickering lights, at the end of the tunnel, victorious in our search for whatever it may happen to be.

A Calm Amidst the Storm

Strange, right? It is something that I have been thinking about lately. What is the one thing that keeps you grounded and focused when the rest of your world is falling apart and spinning to pieces?

For me, that is lab. It is this experience. I went into my undergraduate time thinking that I will never set foot in a wet lab because that is something that I cannot see myself doing ever. Being cooped up inside a research laboratory, sitting in front of an illuminated computer screen late into the night analyzing data, was something that I told myself — promised myself and others around me — that I would never in my life. Thus, I started seeking out clinical experience and dry labs to participate in. I found a clinical lab to volunteer in my first year or so at UCLA but then, when things got rough in my personal life as well as with the transfer process, academics, and my job, I decided I needed a break from the volunteering and to reevaluate all that I want out of my life.

It really came when I received my rejection letter from applying to be a Resident Assistant for my junior year. All my goals and aspirations from before this moment seemed so solidified; I was motivated and ready to tackle it all head-on. But then that one email changed everything for me. Drastic? Not really. From the time I received that email, I have been reevaluating things since. I have decided to venture down a road I promised myself I would never go down: to pursue medicine and go into molecular biology research.

That all said, I am so glad I decided to go down this path. In spite of everything that is happening in my personal life right now, the time I spend in lab is what keeps me calm. It is the place I want to go and am willing to go to after a long night, a long day in class, or just the typical day. Regardless of what it is I am doing for other aspects of my life, I am willing to drop everything and head into lab to make some acrylamide gels or grow bacteria or re-suspend pellets.

Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime, I like to think. Things fell into place in order for me to receive this offer and opportunity to work in the lab more full-time for the remainder of my undergraduate career. Sometimes I feel like the toys which toddlers play with, where there are various shapes and they need to be placed through the corresponding holes. It is as if there are thousands of shapes waiting to fall into place, and the one that has fallen into place is lab.

Even though there may be 999 more shapes that slowly need to fall into place, I am not worried. Why? Because though things may be a bit stormy right now in my life, I have lab, this calm amidst the storm. I am able to focus and clear my mind for just a few hours a day when I put on my hat as a research assistant for the Northwestern University Department of Molecular Biosciences.