It is 4 AM. I have been staring wide-eyed and awake at the computer screen for the past 2 hours. My mind is racing. Thoughts are everywhere. As the New England Journal of Medicine articles stare back at me, the one thought that crosses my mind is the future.
What about it? Why is it so daunting? What makes it to attractive to us, that in the present, all we wish is to reach for it?
As I continue to grow older and develop a sense of the world, I can’t help but notice how the future hoovers over the present and how every decision I make now affects the future me, the future life that I will have.
With only twenty-one days until I board the flight bound for Chicago-Midway, I am starting to wonder if I made the right decision in transferring to my dream school, the school I wished to attend out of high school yet didn’t get the chance to. Now that I have the chance, now that I am a couple years older and a couple years more experienced, am I ready for this sudden change?
A jolt, really, in my daily musings. A new way of thinking. But does all this — moving, a new environment, being thrown out into the world alone — lead to a better future paved down the road for me? Do the challenges make me stronger? Will they help me finally come to realize where my heart lies, what my passions are?
I have all these goals, these aspirations. I like to think that these are just hurdles along the way to my dreams, that moving to the middle of the country, attending a new school halfway through my college career, changing my future goals halfway through college are all just hurdles on the way to my ultimate goal: becoming a physician, pediatrician.
But those goals are too far distant. First, I need to conquer the immediate ones. Like packing all my belongings and getting to Chicago safely. Like signing up for the most challenging, grueling quarter yet. Like putting myself out there for people to judge, because that is the first step in loving and accepting oneself.
Life isn’t without challenges, I guess. Or I know. I saw somewhere on the internet a picture with the words
Don’t give up, the beginning is always the hardest.
This is my beginning, I like to think. This is the beginning to a life that I cannot yet know, that I cannot yet envision. It is the biggest hurdle that I must overcome in the journey of my life. So as cheesy as it sounds, and as many times as we all have heard, it is true. Life is without challenges. We will always have hurdles to overcome. It is just a matter of trusting and believing that you will get over the hurdle, that you will be triumphant in the end.
Faith. Hope. Trust. Believe. And maybe, just maybe, a sprinkling of luck.